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Theres so many things wrong with me eating 6 slices of toast and a pizza for lunch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think im jus greedy :-(
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
- Location:United Kingdom
- Mood:
depressed
im mostly feeling shitty coz of my broken tooth and the pain its causing me!!!! and the fact that i cant binge, coz then il purge and my poor teeth clearly cant take it!!!
iv gota do the right thing right now and stop myself before i totally fuck my smile up...
so im restricting...its actually super easy for me today, iv had water and tea and im not hungry yet..
meh...me and my hubby sorted things out but its just really wierd at the mo, im not sure if things are working.
im finding myself having really bad thoughts about our future and how im sure it wont last..
i duno maybe im just being an ass?
oh yeah and i passed out at the dentist...YAY for extreme fears!
i feel really stuck i think...nothings gettin worse really but its not getting better either.same relationship, same job, same eating disorder, same god damn shit!!!
usually i have tues, wed off work and i get loads done, my washing and cleaning and shopping....
its wed evening now and iv done fuck all...except sit on the sofa on my laptop watching films.
fml
but the few hours i did sleep were broken, i must have woken up about 5 times in those 5-ish hours!
and now its 12.30am and im stil awake...why is this?!?!!?
darn insomnia thats why it is!!! im a pooped but my body thinks its f**king cool to stay awake!!!
blah...il wake up and waste another day tmro no doubt coz im too tired to function...
wow i love my life? NOT!!!!
and to top it off my god damn tooth has broken in half...probably the result of puking my guts up for the best part of a year.
id like to go back and start again please??
meh...
and i think i spelt that wrong...
fuck it....the "hubby" called back and basically said whats the point with us? we arent working apparently?
i hope hes just angry...
im such a dick, its all my fault.i drink too much.
but im so in love with my new dp :-D
love robert pattinson with a passion!
who needs real men eh??
well, ok, me but im angry right now.
need brandy but i dont have any money, anyhooo il prob just get mashed and call him to verbally abuse him if i drink!!
grrrrr......FML
then i purge...
or i starve....
i ruin everything with my insecurities and low self esteem...
i suck at socialising lately...
my thoughts are too consumed by food to give a shit what anybody thinks of me now....
my relationship could have possibly ended last night coz im a drunken ass...
i FAIL...
i really hate myself right now...im just a big failure at everything so it would seem!!! the only thing i can look at everyday and think wow i have done something amazing with my life, is my son.thank god for him he keeps me sane and he is just wonderful :-)
i hate when hes away from me...even at my mums, coz when hes not here i have nothing to even wake up on a morning for.
i need to be different....why me?
why did i get chosen to live my life tormented by my own thoughts?? i really wish for 1 day i could just let go and eat "normally" and not think twice about it and just get on with my life.instead of counting calories and having an arguement with myself about whether i should eat or not and what i should eat for a good hour before i actually DO eat.then the feeling that it cant possibly stay there so i must get it out...by any means neccessary :-(
by this time my day has gone and all iv done is think about food...eat food...and puked food.
or thought about food...and not let myself eat any food coz im restricting!!!!
i wish i could just vstep outa my head for a while...
- Mood:ugh
i know its not really a result when one succeeds in not eating but its an awful lot better than b/ping so im moderately happy.
i really cant get back into that cycle....i spent way too long there and its hard to get out..
i think im finding my control with food, or should i say lack of it a bigger problem because iv just stopped smoking and the only other thing in my life that gives me the same kind of satisfaction (in a really wierd way) an relief is controlling what goes into my body.
or embarking on a major binge and purging afterwards....sometimes its food i dont even like, just as long as it fills me up till im seriously uncomfortable il eat it...
its kinda like when ppl are upset or down they might smoke or drink or argue or fight...well i get the same kinda relief if i binge and purge.
i dont actually know why im writing this because im perfectly aware of my problems and "coping mechansims" .
and everytime i think im ok and things start improving for me i get some bad news or fail a test or just have relationship problems and im right back at square 1 :-(
its like i cant actually get away from it for good....it will always be there and although image is massively important to me and i do crave badly to be thin and "perfect", when things get bad i start binging again and it has nothing to do with being thin anymore, its just for that wierd high i get when its over...
i wish i could tell somebody else this instead of sat infront of a laptop venting my feelings...
i really hate being me and having this disorder...it affects my almost non-exsistant social life now and drives me quite insane.
anyways thats enough of me ranting into my journal..
not that i find it relevant right now but, iv consumed nothing but water today..i am very hungry but i darent eat incase it turns into a binge.
oh well lets just see how the rest ov the day goes?
- Mood:blah...
i must be disgusting and fat if thats what he needs!
why would he do this to me i am so hurt right now i feel like i just cant move on..
even worse il probably be dumb enough to stay with him..
i hate myself for being so weak and i hate myself even more for being a failure at everything, RELATIONSHIPS a new 1 to add to my list ov "things you suck at"
5 years and 1 child later u know...he was my childhood sweetheart...what do i do?
i cant stop cryin and my eyes are so puffy there almost shut
i hate my life...
- Mood:fail
what a big fat mess....im a huge failure that cant stop eating and drinkin
and is too lazy to exercise....
somebody jus kick me
- Mood:yuk.....
well i hope not!!! im laid in bed now at 10pm...its abit early but im tired!!
iv had an ok day i guess...had about 500 cals and done what little exercise i could :-)
hopefully it will pay off...i havnt been drinking enough water lately...not even nearly enough so today was my fresh start with that....and iv drank LOADS!! :-) yay!!!
tmro im guna clean my whole house if i can...just get some good music on and get it done!!!
i need to be motivated so i need a good nights sleep and hopefully a lower number on the scales in the morning!!
i dont really know what to do to get myself outa the bad mood iv been in....theres so many crappy things going on in my life its so hard to stay optimistic, but i need to make a big effort to be happy and motivated.
my relationship is going down the pan and all i can do is watch....meh, im losing the will to care now.
- Mood:meh...
i ate pizza and chips and purged.....and had this amazing idea that maybe i should fuck myself up abit more and do it again!?!
so yes i binged my FAT ass off on anything i could find....and the worst part, couldnt get it out!!!!!!!!
so now im all full of fatty foods that i cant get up and to be quite honest i cant bring myself to gag again today, my poor throat hurts...
i really hate myself right now...why am i so greedy? why doesnt my head say no dan ur not even hungry and ur putting ur health at risk by purging after?? i so wish i just didnt do it....its just depressing me and hurting my throat :-(
AND i cant even exercise....wtf
im just laid in bed becoming a huge mess......i told my hubby not to comment on any weight i may have (and probably will have) gained when he comes home next weekend....and hes like oh dont worry babe ul be back on ur feet in no time....YEAH that helps me now!?!?
its my sisters birthday tmro and theres guna be cake.....i dont like any cake except chocolate cake, so hopefully its any other flavour!
i could rant and rant all night about how moody i am right now.....cant even take my meds for my neck coz i had a brandy, or 3?
meh......maybe il try to sleep now, and i dont wana wake up super duper early again!!!
goodnight my journal......
if i dont get to sleep il be back shortly..
xx dani xx <3
- Location:bed....stil
- Mood:
sleepy
i tried, and failed miserably. i just want to atleast take a walk downstairs or something....but no my neck wont even hold my head up :-(
so im laid here.....gaining weight as i type, after already gainin 2lbs over the weekend.im so not ok!!!
my hubby leaves for work today and iv gota attempt to cook dinner for my little boy? oh yeah thats guna go well when i have hardly any use of my left arm?!?! so i might have to order a take-away....just kill me now.
instead of being thin and perfect by valentines day im going to be a little FAT heffer incapable of walking or cooking!!!! or anything else for that matter!!!!! i know my hubbys been pissed off and just hasnt said anything.this is an awful feeling not to be able to cook for my son....
bleh im low today......FAT and low.
oh and my hubby found a picture on the laptop of nicole richie which is really nice....and he was like eeerrrgggh why have u got a photo of that skeleton on here?!?! she looks half dead?!?!?! u dont wana look like that do u dan?? wtf was he serious??! i think she looks wonderful in it actually!!! so now he thinks im even more insane than he originally thought i was.....GREAT!
i need cheering up so bad :-(
- Mood:
angry
i never realised how much my life and things that are going on in it affected how i see food...and EAT!!! when im stressed i b/p really bad and i sorta knew but i didnt see how bad i get until last week.when im happy i can restrict and lose...and im happy!!!! il stop typing that word now lol
just a banana today so far!! YAY! just guna have sum salad later, and by salad i mean lettuce with light salad cream..bout 100cals total
plus my 100 cals for the banana..WOW i hope i stay at 200 for the day :-))
- Mood:
happy
im not even hungry when i eat its like something else i cant explain??
another failed day....my throat feels raw....oh what a wonderful life i lead.
- Mood:empty..
hey darlings :-)
so im still abit upset today but if anybody read my post from last night i had to mega binges......then purged, until it hurt
i was worried i would hav e gained today coz it usually makes me...i was 106lbs yesterday
now im 105.8!!!! i know its not a big loss but i didnt gain!! so im pleased about that.
iv decided to do exactly what my fiance asked and just not tx or call him...if thats what he wants
he has to contact me eventually coz we have a son....im not stressin about it and havin another repeat of last night, because now my throat is sore and my tummy was hurtin.all because i b/p when im upset. hes supposed to come home every weekend..duno whats guna happen this weekend so il just wait and see.i just wish he would turn up with a big kiss and say sorry for last week, and everything is fine...YEAH RIGHT.
how is everybodys day goin on here??? are we all motivated to have a good week??
its 3 inches of snow here and iv gota walk to work.....gosh dont even have appropriate footwear!!!!
im guna limit myself to 500cals today...and NO purging allowed in this house anymore....
anyone else get weak on a night and just think f**k it il purge and start again tmro?
- Mood: calm
- Mood:
blah
but im also quite depressed i think...my hubby didnt come home..he asked me not to call or tx him and just leave him alone.
i dont even know wot that means? is he tryin to break up with me?? if i didnt know him an someone else was sayin this to me,id tell them i think hes upto something.when guys get like that they have usually got someone else bein nice to them...thats why they dont care if ur not bein nice!!
i duno maybe im jus bein silly...but things are jus really bad right now an i think we are guna break up.
then he wil go get with someone skinnier and prettier than me....and someone who probably doesnt live too far as my city is small.great
why cant things just be easy? we have gone from plannin our wedding to this...in a matter of months.
how do people who have been married 20 odd years split and move on?? hes the only person iv ever loved,been with him since i was 17.
BLEH!!!!!! dan wake up life goes on!!!!
we had plans....
